Manage family differences, emotions during holidays

Families, friends and older siblings come together for the holiday season for a time of warmth and togetherness, but differences can also arise about anything from politics to household rules. U-High counselor Aria Choi gives advice and solutions to some of the most common issues which arise from family gatherings. 

How should students address differences in household culture of hosts, especially if they don’t feel comfortable conforming to it?

If you have a strong preference, I think from a guest’s perspective, it’s totally OK to ask the host what they feel comfortable with things like, say, wearing shoes or not wearing shoes. If you are the host, it’s best to just gently tell folks, you can put your shoes here. If you are a guest hopefully you feel comfortable asking questions about appropriate behavior while you’re being hosted. Hosts, just remember to remind folks how to be or how not to be in your space. 

If a student doesn’t want to discuss politics but another attendee might, what’s the best way to resolve the conversation?

Folks should feel OK stepping away from conversations. If they genuinely do not want to engage in a conversation around politics, then just communicate to the other person that they’d rather keep the conversation lighter, or want to focus on something other than politics, and then broach whatever topic they would want to discuss. 

If people have differences in political views and want to discuss them, how can people ensure that the conversation stays constructive? 

If they want to engage in a conversation about politics or something similar that they do feel really passionate about, I would say approach the conversation to seek understanding and not a victory. By victory, I mean there’s a winner and a loser, right and wrong, or good and bad. If you approach conversations to seek understanding, hopefully it naturally reshapes your statements to be questions. Stick to responding to the idea, and avoid making judgements on the people. That’s one way to really help manage feelings, because they can get really strong. 

How would you advise students to deal with tension sometimes caused by newfound differences with older siblings returning from college for the holidays? 

As humans, changes are uncomfortable — they can be scary. I think it’s to be expected to have a reaction or deeper strong feelings about someone you thought you knew who has changed. That can feel disruptive and scary and confusing at times. When people don’t recognize their sibling in some way, it becomes harder to trust and understand them the way they did before. Connections are made, and remade, when people feel understood, so be shocked or scared, have your feelings. You just have to seek understanding. Similarly, if someone is having those feelings towards you, it’s the same thing: seek understanding.