High school relationships are declining, partially due to the internet and advancing technology, according to John Duffy, a Chicago-area life coach and author who specializes in teen relationship issues, which is why it is more and more important to understand the norms and experience that comes with relationships. Responses have been lightly edited for clarity, length and style. Read an extended version of this conversation at uhighmidway.com.
What is the importance of high school relationships in the greater scope of development?
“High school relationships are so critical because they’re the first time that you are engaging in intimate relationships of any kind, and they are a template for your relationships going forward. So, it’s where the idea of affection, respect, boundaries, intimacy, all these ideas come into your vernacular and into your life during these high school years.”
Why have high school relationships declined among high schoolers recently?
“[Relationships] are a little more scary than they used to be, because you can now engage in relationships the way we’re talking right now (on Zoom). Our phones, via Snapchat, via a whole bunch of different things. There are options I don’t love that a lot of teenagers execute because they’re available, like pornography and OnlyFans, and a lot of teenagers I work with are less hopeful about relationships being successful than they were a generation ago.”
Before entering a relationship, what factors should high schoolers try to consider?
“Consider whether you are ready for this, whether this is something you really want, or whether you’re just trying to keep up with somebody. Are you emotionally prepared? Are you prepared for the likelihood that this relationship may not last very long?”
Talking about the heartbreak, what do you think about high schoolers breaking up for college and the universal experience of breaking up for college or going long distance?
“If you had asked me this a decade ago, I would have said: it’s really that you break up before college… Now, I feel differently because I work with a lot of people who, even across thousands of miles, are able to maintain really healthy relationships with really healthy boundaries.”
What would you say as advice to someone who thinks that they might belong to a different sexuality that they did not previously consider or have been experimenting with?
“I find that my honest advice is: talk to a therapist. Take the taboo out of therapy. Not that anyone who is not straight needs therapy, but I find if people are struggling to figure out where their sexual identity is, to hear your voice out loud, talking it through, you find your lane kind of readily.”
Do you have any advice to teenagers about setting boundaries in these first relationships?
“Once they’re established, like, OK we’re in this thing, in this relationship, then I think it’s important to sit down for a few minutes, not for hours, and every once in a while check in and say, OK, ‘Do you feel like we’re in too much contact? Do you feel like we’re in just enough contact? I don’t want to be anxious that I’m worried about getting a text from you, but I also don’t want us to be text bombing each other so much that we’re not getting anything else done, that we’re not connecting with our other friends. We’re not getting our school work done.’”
What would you say to a student who is committed to not dating in high school?
“I love working with that student, and I have many times. I would encourage them to loosen that thinking a bit, because even a casual dating relationship can be a massive learning lesson.”
What would you say to a student who is struggling finding people to date or just really feels as if they cannot find anyone to date or any ways to get out there?
“This is brutal because the self esteem of that person often takes a big hit, because they feel like, ‘Oh, nobody is interested in me. Nobody’s attracted to me,’ and my advice to them is usually like, ‘Oh, let’s take a big step back from that thought.’ It is a big world. You’re dealing with a pretty shallow pool at your school or the schools around you, so relax a little bit and give it a beat and work on feeling good about yourself.”
